it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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