i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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