bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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