I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
