The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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