sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
