Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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