I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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