3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
