My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
