I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
