I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
