You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
