i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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