i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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