If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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