Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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