i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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