i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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