They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
