god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
