dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
