Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
