OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh god it's open bar.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
