I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
