She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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