whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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