Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
