Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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