i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
