I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
