dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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