I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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