he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
