Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
