I molested 6 butterflies tonight
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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