"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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