Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
