Umm I'm too high to move.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
