I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
