Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think my vagina is haunted
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
