if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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