y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
