hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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