I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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