our cab driver is having phone sex.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
