I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
