My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
