His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
