you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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